Bottled Thots - i u h e u x

01 February 2009

I'm crazy.
I'm crazy in love.
I'm crazy in love with love.
Ironic?
Yes. Indeed.

I've watched a few good fils for the past few days.
Quite cool.
Hmm..let me try to recall...
There's:
- Perfume - Story of a murderer
- The clockwork orange
- Mae
- Hua Yang Nian Hua
- 2046 (muackz, I still like Faye a lot and Takuya)
- A french hotel film...cant rem the name. Duh...
- Paycheck
- Twilight (what? 4th time? hee... I'm getting the korean poster. On the way way way~)
- Silence of the Lamb
- Godfather (downloaded..not yet...)
- Gran Trino
- A few Stephen Chow past filmsss

Wow..what an accomplishment. Hee.

happy?
no.
why?
dunno...
Something must trigger you to be unhappy right?
must there be a reason?
yes, i guess so.
but i dunno.
well, you wanna see a doc?
nope. I'm fine.
but you're not happy...
doc don't make me happy either. Maybe i should just pray.
pray?
yes.
pray to God.
who?
God.
who's God?
Jesus lah.
oh...you're a Christian.
yes. i am.
alright, pray pray, let's pray then...
ok, i pray I'll be happy, joyful because you've died for my sins. amen.

Listening: Du Jia Ji Yi - xiao chun

yi jing jie shu de, mei you shang liang de yu di...~

04 January 2009

A brand new year.
A brand new start.
I quite like it.

I'm gonna take a step to do things that I used to fear.
I really am gonna take up Korean.
I'm gonna expand my circle of friends.
(else I'll be a suffering from Autism 自闭症 real soon...)
I'll maybe take up a Diploma course.
Hmm..and assist in ushering.
What else..? Reading everyday with Jesus, everyday.
Haha..
Funny.

I'll be myself.
And I wanna be happy again.
Sorry blog..
You know when i'm happy, I'll forget about you.
You'll not see me for a while.
but if you really love me,
you'll rather that I be away then to keep bothering you.
Bye blog..

We'll meet again.

Real soon.

I hope you have a happy 2009 too. =)

19 November 2008

I just called him a min ago.
He told me he's on his way home.
Next sentence is he'll call me as he has an incoming call.

Should I believe him?
I can't bring myself to believe him.
I don't rem he has call waiting service.
Did he just lied conveniently again?

18 November 2008

I very very shock at what happened last night.
Disheartened.
Disappointed.
Disturbed.

Sweety lied.
I know everyone does that.
But its the first time he did it so unprofessionally.
I've caught him several times without asking him.
Some say that's call "closing one eye".
Maybe.

I really hate guys to be irresponsible.
I dun mind that he parties till late night.
Just let me know instead of avoiding my calls.
Making me left with no choice but to keep calling to find out if he's fine.
That makes us what?
A nuisance of cos.
Seems like I'm pestering him.
checking on him etc.
Come on... Most girls just need some assurance.
We just need to know who you're with and we trust you.
But avoiding us make us DONT trust anymore.
Didn't you guys realised that???
We want to have good night sleep too.
Get it?

Last night, I went to his place.
After avoiding my calls and sms.
My heart literally feels painful.
My 6th sense tellin me something is wrong.
Very wrong.
What could it be?
I cant help but to keep imagining thing.
Is he trying to break up with me but scare that he'll hurt me?
Or he's now with his ex-gf where he realised that he have feelings for her?
Or is he worrying about his stressful work and his future?
Or is he indulging in some kind of bad habits ang he's gulty to face me?
Or having fun with some guys and totally just wanna forget abt me?
Or he's thinking that I'm a nuisance that he cant enjoy his night out?
101 possibilities...
I waited.
and wait.

For him to come back home.

No sign.

No hp signal either.

His hp is off.

I'm scared.

As I'm waiting, I could feel my heart pounding hard...
Hands turning cold...
I finally managed to got into that stupid security metal gate while a malay is going out.
I almost wanted to press the doorbell when he msg me.

"baby.. I'm home.. I'm not angry with you.. really.. i just need some time to straighten out my thought.. its me.. not u.. sorry....."

I replied, pls open the door. I'm outside.

And his reply nearly made me faint.

"i'm not home."

Gotcha!

I already knew it. I'm just too upset to think further.
I'm very tired physically and mentally too.
I prayed.
I can only pray that things end nicely.
In a way that my hurts are reduced.

That sentence" its me... not you..."

That sentence is deadly.
It contains alot of poisonous meanings.
I heard it before.
Many times.
All before any breakups that I have.
Well, i'm trying to take it easy.
What could be worst?
Celebrate X'mas alone?
Haha...
Ya, laugh while i still am able to.

Now that he's not around, I should make plans for myself as well.
Plans that God has for me.
I knew I've a calling.
How can that be ignored.
If it's a breakup. I really don't wanna see him ever again.
And I'll forget him like how i've forgotten abt the rest.
I can do it.
And I will do it again.
I'm sort of waiting for that hurting moment.
The moment of torment.
You see it coming... you thot you could handle it...
When the day arrived, Its still gonna be a damn torturous feeling.
Its like emotional jigsaw playing with you.

What is love?

He sms to say he love me. He does.

I trust that he does.

Soon, it'll be he did.
History.
Am I being negative now?
Yup, maybe.
This is a way to prepare myself you see.
Preparing my heart for that moment.
When his look towards me is blank.
His touch is meaningless.

I knew I've alot of friend.
True friends who really cares for me.
And God cares most.
I'll not do anything foolish again.
I'll not even shed a tear for someone who's not worth it.

Yes, Jiayou!

Sweety, I hope you get out of your dark valley soon.
I'll keep praying for you.
Probably someone who can better take care of you appears.
Anyway, I've learnt that Love is not about posessing it.
I've been trained to let go of what that's not mine.
Just leave me alone and I'll be fine.

Bye...

17 November 2008

Time really flies.
It's Nov again.
In another mth's time, it'll be X'mas.
My fav day.

Talkin abt favourites,
does he know what's my favourites in life?
Sadly, I think he doesn't.

He's tellin me abt chenling again.
She loves tiramisu.
Like I do.
But the diff is she gets to eat tiramisu
from all over S'pore without fuss.
While me?
I learn to make it.
Becos?
Nobody bought me one.
Ha..
Sighh...

She's so lucky.
I can feel that she has his entire heart.
Deserving a ring on her finger.
Prob deserves to be forever.

Me?
Luck to meet again?
But I never believe in luck.
Meant to be?
What?
Be together again?
Or separate the same way again?

I'll never replace her.
I never thought I'll be so jealous over her.
Hearing this name makes me heart stop beating.
This numb feeling wakes me up from my dream.
I'm not her.
I can never be.

Sighhh...

I'm still dwelling in my past.
In our past.
Where life is so simple.
Where he only have me.
Talks to me abt everything.
Bring me to anywhere.
Buy me my favourites.
Even a glance at a window's watch
could become my next gift.
Is that how we measure love?

I dunno.

That's how I do it.

Measuring it with the amount of effort
he puts into the relationship.
Measuring the quality time spent
not just talking but listening to me.
Measuring it by what I see in his eyes.

It's really very diff now.

He has changed.
I have changed.
Things have changed.

Kallang river has never been this quiet.
This distant.
Though with him by my side.
Hearts pounding in the background.
Cold hands after the short drive.
Looking far towards the buildings.
Towards those lights.
I can feel one thing.
Distance.

Near distance.

Its getting nearer and nearer to us.
I meant that distance has caught us.
Its just round the corner.

Coming ...

coming..

19 September 2008

Many things happened after we got together.
Good and bad things I've discovered.

Good:

- He's sweet.
- Honest, at least he admits his mistakes, confess his flaws and weakness.
- Enjoy each other's company.
- Good listener, quite patient EXCEPT while driving and with his friends...

Bad:

- Vulgar, bad mouth, too direct, uses hurting words...
- Double standards, meaning he can do it because he can do it... I cant do it because he don't like me to do it. (errr....got it?)
- Smoke. Although I must give him credit that he tries to cut down smoking in front of me.
- GAMBLE. This is one of my greatest fear... he's losing control before he realise he'll lose me.

Gambling is something i cant stand... Seriously.
Sorry for being traditional but I really feel I'm not young anymore. Dating now is like choosing husband now, which is also equivalent to choosing your future kid's daddy. Thus this person must pass being a good dad. I want my kids to be satisfied and well-loved by their father. Don't be like me. Since I don't have time, I should choose wisely.

Conclusion?

I dunno...

Everyday, I've been thinking about the same thing...

Repeatedly...like a resounding gong...arghhh!

I cant help but to enjoy this special time of being loved.
Being appreciated by someone.
Someone telling you he misses you.
Hugs you. Kiss you.
How selfish of me...

I'm having 2 thots...
to leave him soon by slowly being cold to him?
OR to continue, learning to accept all his flaws, enjoy all his bad habits?

Shit lah...

I suxxxxx!!!!
Sometimes, i hate myself.
Why the hell did i make the choice to be together with him again??
Knowing well that we'll not last.....
WHY?
what wrong with me?
now what...
I'm neither here nor there....
where can i go?
I'm in a grey area.

This is bad.

Summary: NO CONCLUSION.

18 August 2008

Yeah! Just bought a new laptop with him.
I'm so glad. =) for him actually...
Back to reality, hmmm...
I think I'm gonna delay my studies etc...

If you ask me worth it or not?
I'll sure say yes.
Ha...

I guess I really love a person with my entire heart.

Good? Bad?
Maybe not the end result but the process ba...
Aiya...still honeymoon period la...
Wait till another 1/2yr we'll talk about this again...

12 August 2008

How long can we really last?
I hope to give this date: Forever

But I guess I have to change my thinking.
I can't always expect people to accomodate to me.
I always feel I'm trying so hard and doing alot for him.
Somehow, i expected a return.

I really shouldn't.

Sighh...as i'm typing...
I miss Sweety.

04 August 2008

Good time flies.
A blink of an eye.
A mth just passed.
What a dream. =)
Let me not wake up from this.

Even without talkin much.
Sometimes, a touch from you means alot.
A glance from you.
You're indeed special.
Seeing you sleepin so sweet
brings pleasure to my life.

There are also times when I got so upset with you.
The differences that I'm forced to face. That's reality.
But I choose to escape.
Frankly, i like it this way.
Not waking up to my moral senses.
Totally ignoring my dear Lord.
I quite like it this way.
Just doing what i like.
But knowing for sure I'm gonna regret some day.

How long can i bluff myself to stay asleep in this dream?
What if some day i just wake up and i choose to leave again?
No.
I don't wanna leave him again.
That's my stand. At least for now.

2 things i cant stand tho... ... ...
- smoking
- gambling

And he actually lie to me...
even once is enuff.
once is more than enuff to cause us to drift...

Damn...
Who is perfect?
No one.
Who am i to judge?
No one.
Then why do i dislike those things so damn badly.
I really consider leaving him if he continues.
But why can't i just understand?
Why can't i just compromise alittle?
But then what's the line between alittle or too much??
When should i start to consider?
Do i even consider in the 1st place?
Argggghhhh......

i hate this.

I hate it.

21 July 2008

Sometimes I dunno who I really am...
Browsing my last few entries,
I've been truly loving each person wholeheartedly.
Is that possible?

A month ago, I still love Sam so damn much.
Today, I've forgotten how he looks like...
I mean why?
Where did that deep love went to?
How did I manage to forget a person so fast?
Is it wrong to do that?

Sighhh...

I've been having nightmares after nightmares about Zinc.
When I see her photo in my room,
My heart just ache.
I cant believed that she said those words.
"I don't want to have anything to do with you."
10 years sisters...
What have I done that made you detest me to the core???
I've been seeking your forgiveness...
Why am I not given a chance to even explain myself??
Why must you hate me to the extreme???
You've done things that hurt us so much before..
But we've forgiven you.
Even when you didn't admit your mistakes.
Shit...What the hell..
Sometimes I dunno who I really am...
I hate to be "weak" like this.
I hate this longing to be loved by friends and boyfriend.
Somehow I feel incomplete/ handicapped without them.
I know I'll not be.
I'm not.
But just sometimes, I wanna be the evil one.
Be a hypocrite.
Be someone people admire...
Ha...Bird says nice guy always finishes last.
Damn.
I really hate to agree with him.

Talking about him,
I'm just as stress.
I knew its gonne be a bloody loong road for both of us.
I really have no confidence at all.

"Do not yoke with non-believer. What has both in common?"

This is the truth.

I believe.
But I dunno how to act upon it.
There's really so much connection between us and yet at the same time, so much differences.

I really hate smokers, gamblers, vulgarities...

I seriously dunno how long I can compromise.
Each day seems to be a dread and yet a happy beginning.
It's damn contradicting what I feel right now.
I guess I like most of his character more than his bad points that's why I'm willing to compromise each day.
I do see his good.
His gentleness, sensitivity towards my feelings. a twitch or a nudge , he knows how I'm feeling.
We can communicate.
We have a lot of similarities I must say.
Things like, how we feel towards certain things, esp relationship, most of the time I agree with how he feels. We can simplay relate well.
Sighhh...
How long will this last...?

I'm quite sick of being in a relationship actually.
I'm basically trying to satisfy him, and alowing him to satisfy me and it's like quite a tiring thing to do.
No wonder people "zhao sai".
Curse these people.
Bloody irresponsible.

Sighhh...

I feel tired lah.

I feel Godless...

I feel I need to go back to the correct path.

I feel that I've a calling to serve as a leader.

I feel I shouldn't give up this calling.

I gave up my dearest bird when I want to go for this calling.
Should I give him up again is my question everyday since I met him...!!!
God why him??
Can't we be together??
Arggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

14 July 2008

It's amazing

how people can break up after making plans to get married
how others can be together again after years of breakup
how people can forget promises and happy times
how I still remember him after all these years

I'm feeling all that happiness
all over again..

and

I'm feeling the same doubt
all over again..

It's a contradicting feeling. I admit.

But I still love to fall into it
all over again...

I miss Siang.

19 June 2008

no turning back?

really?

can we re-start all over again?

Lord, I really don't understand why...
But I want to continue trusting you that You are in control.
You have a part that this happened.
And its Your intention that this happened.
I'll just have to continue relying on You and trust you.

I'm sick.
Very ill...
How I wish he can be by my side to care for me.

Hallucination...
Ha ha ha...

15 June 2008

Cant believe that I'm a fool again...
I thought this love will never end...
How was I to know...
you never told me...

You never told me...

you never told me why did you wanna leave me?

why did you feel pressured?

I just wanna be happy by your side...

Like before...

Didn't you remeber how simple and happy we were when we just walk home after Geylang's meal...?

You forgotten the precious 1 week that we both enjoyed before you went for the church camp?

Where is my Sam?

Can anyone tell me???

My Sam is a good guy...
He will not leave me without a reason..
He will not break his promises to make me happy...
He is kind and gentle...

God...

I'mm going nutsss....

He gone...
I've been lying to everyone that I'm fine.
I'm totally not fine at all!!!

I'm getting angry with everything...
including myself...
Something must be wrong with me..that's why he left...
If I don't blame him, I'll blame myself for not cerishing him while I can...

I'm in a super confuse stated where I cant communicate to anyone at all.
I shop like normal..
Eat much lesser..
Cough like mad in themiddle of the night..
Stare in the air..
typing ..
thinking what is really deep within me..

I don't even know..

Black sunday..

Everything is black today.

He's gone.

I cant describe the feelings I have now.

I've a sense of freedom..

A sense of loneliness..

Alot of questions waiting for him to ans...

Alot of promises waiting for me to fulfill.

I just wanna love him and serve him...
God you know...
You know what I did...
Why did it turn out this way...?

I tried to find out...
But he is scared of me..
he is scared of a girl who loves him..
Why God?
Why is he scared of a girl who's trying hard to save this relationship?
I didn't force him to love me..
God you know everything..
If I fast and pray everyday will you help me?
I'm so confuse..
I wanted to cry but I can't..
What is wrong with me?
What is wrong with me?
What is wrong with me?

Why?
WHY??

14 June 2008

People come and go in my life.
People changes everyday.
God don't.

I love Sam but I'm prepared to let him go.

I know God has a better plan or a better guy for me. =)
I believe so...that's how I move on eveytime there's a breakup.
But the initial 3 days will be a struggle.

Afterwhich life seems to go on for me.
Totally forgetting how I used to love the person at all.
I'm serious.
That's why I kept warning him that once my heart is dead.
It is dead.
I'll never be able to love him again.
Ever.

That's also another reason why I tried all means and ways to save this relationship.
But he sense no urgency at all.

Life seems good for him.

He watch movies with friends still.
Late night soccer as before.
Eat and sleep well.
Exercise hard as usual.

And we just broke off. Ha...

12 June 2008

I've given him my most sincere sincerity box.
Inside there's:
- Love Booklet titled 101 reasons why xuexue love sam
- A Sorry Card
- Biotherm Abdosculpt
- Loreal Firming Lotion
- Digestion Tablets
- Dried Cranberry (High Fibre)

I got a shock of my life when I saw him.
So does he...
After which he sent me off to PS where he has arranged to watched movie with his caregroup members.
He msged me:"We need to talk. He will arrange."
God, I'm of little faith.
I know no matter what decision he's gonna make,
You will bring me thru.
You will be there to comfort.

But still... I'm scared.

Will he initiate a breakup?
or even let's cool down for the time being?
or let's not meet again?
or please don't come to my place again?
Or I know you are good to me, but I don't like you anymore??

I'm not being negative here.
I'm trying to be prepared for the worst.
Anything above could happened.
Oh... How my heart aches when I think of him not talking to me anymore.

God, may your will be done.

I'm anxious yet tired and just wanna run to You and rest.
You take charge.
I surrender man... =)

07 June 2008

I missed what we used to do.
Simply sitting around at Fullerton's Starbucks,
watching the river, the stars and Sam's left hand.

I've read so many books to "help" me discover why our relationship changes.
And I keep trying and trying harder each time to please him, to get his attention.
And each time I fail there's some sort of resentment in my heart.
Slowly my love seems to die...

The truth is don't try anymore!
Just TRUST God!
I've given up.
Not given up hope but just don't wished to try anymore.
If we're meant to be, nothing can separate us.
If we're not, then no point clinging on to something that's not yours.

Sam Gan ah...
I know no amount of sorry to you is of any use now.
I've made things from bad to worst.
Crushing all your morales and confidence.
Making you feel like a sinner for not treating me well.
I guess I've upsetted you more than you did to me.

I'll really pray that you come back safely.
So that I can serve you, submit to you. =)
I really pray we can go thru this together,
pick ourselves up again and move on.

I love my Samy.
God, you know I do.

I always expresses it the wrong way.
Hurting him more than making him feel loved.
When I pray for myself to learn to love,
You really gave me a circumstance where I can choose to love even when I'm unappreciated.
Ohh... I need to be careful what I pray for. Hee.. =)

10 March 2008

Today, I got Sincerity Box + Flowers.

Box incl. :
- 5 sachets of Milo
- 1 Campbell's Cream of Mushroom
- Burger gummys
- Worm gummys
- 1 box Ribena Pastilles
- 1 Nissin cup noodles, Laksa
- 1 pk Ovalteenies
- 1 box jap MSG (wahaha...!!!)
non-edibles:
- 2 paper cranes
- 9 paper stars
- 1 Aaron Kwok "botak" DVD

PLUS:

A bunch of 4 handmade paper Roses.
- 2 black
- 2 deep purple

What a gothic combination right..
And what weird numbers..
4 stands for..?
colors stands for?

Nope.

Nothing.

Seriously, that's so my style.
I like to give something that people can't imagine.
Something useful and practical.

I really feel it's a great gift.
One of the BEST that I've received in so many yearsss.
Haha.

And the letter.
Errm...it's mushy.
But innovative.
Haha.

What return mail with the movie ticket..?
Ahaha.. That's so.. err.. Haha..
Old fashion romance la.
Aiyo..you people won't understand one la.
Ahaha..
So funny.

06 March 2008

He kept telling me another 3 days to go..
=) ahaa...
Silly boy.

Sound as if he's so happy.
Sighhh...
Seriously..
I don't wanna be nagative.
But I really hope this is not another dream.
hmmmm.....

17 February 2008

How can you tell who is telling the truth and who is not?
From his expression?
From his eyes?
From his tone of voice?

Is it me that I start to doubt people
or him being too aggressive?

We have always been close friends, why the sudd all the likings...
Like from where...?
I seriously didn't treat you extra nice...
Nor be gentle as I usually would to the ones I admire..
Nor help you alot..
Nor spend time with you..
Nor do anything at all that touches you..

Oh my...
I should be happy that someone like him would ever like me..
But I just ended a relationship.

A relationship that I never would ever dream of having
because I always thot D. is the BEST guy ever on earth.
I would still wants to believe he is the BEST despite the fact
that he aren't caring towards me at all.
I want to believe its me.
The fault lies with me and not him.
I want to believe that he didn't betray me.
I want to believe that he is the kind husband that
all girls would die for.
I want to still believe all that.

Maybe he does care.
Asking me out on V-day?
Though all the uneasiness?
The awkward scenarios?
Hmmm...
I think he does think of me at some lonely point in life.
Well, that's better than not.

I've lost R..
I've lost D..
I don't wanna lose S.
as a friend.

I can't chat with R like before.
I don't want to lead him on.
I can't share my thots with D. anymore,
I don't want to lead myself on.

Now I'm left with S.

He's telling me he likes me.
Damn..
I don't know how to react.
In fact, I don't wished to react.
Though I know it'll be very nice to be with him.

He's a family man. (pretty mummy's boy but i like)
He's humourous. (aka lame)
He's hardworking. (maybe pride...maybe money...can't tell yet)
He's caring. (though sometimes i personally feel is selective)
He does house works. (Rare you see)
He's a MCP. (sometimes wants people to does things his way. High expectations)
He's a sensitive and meticulous person. (can be gd and bad..yet to confirm)
He's plump. (i don't really care la...)
Seems faithful but not very humble...
keeps repeating and telling me he's good...

Generally acceptable.

But all these really is secondary.

All I need is someone who loves me.
Proud of me as his partner.
Confident that i can be a good wife
and trust me wholeheartedly.

Must love God alot alot too.
Faithful in Christ's ministry
and a living testimony.

We must have the same goal and purpose in life where we can work towards.
No communication breakdown.
He must be able to encourage and lead me to be more confident.
Cannot be a proud man!

Time will tell.

"Be still and know I'm God."

Sometimes, the hardest thing is to simply wait and trust the Lord's timing.

"Do not be anxious... with prayers and petitions, bring your request unto the Lord..."

13 February 2008

I'm feelin weirdisssh today.

How should i describe it?
I'm disappointed for the co. email received.
I'm sad that I feel moodless to join the reunion dinner.
I'm guilty for lying to my boss, telling her i can't make it.
I'm missing someone.
I'm feeling stress for not knowing what to expect tmr.
I didn't finish my job today.
I'm tired physically.
I dunno if i should miss him or not.
I'm wasting time to keep me occupied becos i don't wanna feel emo.
Nor mel.
I missing God sudd.

A mixture of all the above.

Excited and looking forward to V-day.
But at the same time nervous.

What the....

Hmmm....

Weirdisssh right?

09 February 2008

Happy New Year!
This year I spent my new year with my beloved sisters
and its the 2nd year I spend it with Ray and Sam.

Amazing. Time really flies.
And another 2 weeks I'm going to BKK again.
Wow. Almost 2 years already...
Me and Gary.

This is another very important stage of my life.
I'm facing a similar problem again.
I need to be extra caution.
Attention!
Stay Alert!!

I shall not repeat the same mistake again.
Birds of the same feathers flocks together.
Meaning 80%, they are very likely to have
the same habits and thots which you may not be able to stand.

Conclude:
High pocessesiveness. No. 1 killer.
Its equivalent to NO trust.

30 January 2008

Time really flies...

*blink*

*blink*

Ok, its 2008.
And I finally am really over with D.
I don't feel sad looking at him in the eye.
I don't feel sad hearing about him and his ex.
I don't feel anymore...

Great.
I've moved on. =)

Moving on...
I've several resolutions this year I hope to accomplish.
1) To read Everyday with Jesus, everyday.
2) To get a Marketing Diploma.
3) To take up Korean class.
4) To pay my tithes regularly.
5) To serve in a ministry.
6) To share Christ with at least a friend.

Not easy, but some stress does drives me to work harder.

Tmr, I'm supposed to meet D.
I've decided not to.
I didn't wanna lie to him either, so I'll make myself busy.
And really busy so I can't meet him.
No time to think about him.
I guess that's what he wants maybe.

God bless my tmr.

I don't wanna be soft hearted towards him.

Yeap.

29 November 2007

We ended?

Just like that?

I've tried.

Have you?

I can't believe you can actually suggest
to step back as friends when I asked
for your opinions on how to improve our r/s..

Jump in too fast is all that you can say?

And you regret izzit??

I'm super duper disappointed in you.

You give up without even trying...

Goodbye Darius Foo!!!

I've seen your ugly side.

Nice guy?

Pui!

(Wahaha...
Just let me vent abit of my frastration...
I feel like scratching your face...
Using 20 pins to poke your eyes...
Cut out your tongue...
Drill a little hole down ur throat so that you'll bleed slowly...
Chopping off your fingers one by one
and stuffing them back to your mouth
and sew up your lips...
Wahaha..."SAW 10"
I'm harmless...
Hee...
Going nutsss again...
Yup...
Sigh...)

13 November 2007

Can you really be transparent?
Revealing all your weaknesses?
Sharing your deepest hurts?
Crying your hearts out?

Yes?

In a group?

Will you do that to edify someone?

Will you?

I don't think I will...
One of my greatest fears is being transparent.
Telling people how I truely feel.
My weaknesses.
My hurts.
Well, I guess that's the reason why this blog came about.
hmmm...

I was just sharing with Darius
how nice R. have been to me recently.
He shared that his 'niceness' will not last
if he dun truely likes me.
So true.
Shall see lah.

It's hard for me to tell him to go away
or be nasty to him when he's so nice to me now.
But still I dun wanna be selfish and
make him think that he'll have a chance.
Everything is too late.
My love for you is already history.
So please move on.
I pray.
Pls move on.
Stop being in self denial..
Stop being pessimisstic..
Stop being nice to me..
Just stop.

I hope to be friends with you now.

Yes, bye~~~

12 November 2007

A lil warm up.
Getting into the mood to a whole new season of LOVE.

Loving the one and
Only guy who
Values me to the
End.

I'm going to meet him soon.
So excited!
I've so much to share with him.

Btw, gotta share a personality test with you,
I've found it in my PC.
Can't rem since when I took the test
but it seems really accurate man.

What's your personality love style?
Here is the analysis:
You are the type to fall quickly and passionately in love, but will commit to a person forever when this happens. When you choose to love someone, it's going to be a strong relationship and nothing will come between you and your lover. But beware: love can turn you blind, and the rest of the world might cease to exist while you are in that honeymoon phase. When you come down from your high, you may find you have neglected other people and things that you love.

The Real You
Here is the analysis:
1. You've got great self-confidence and you're full of charm. Most guys who get to know you will be attracted to you. You are far from sweet and proper; your intriguing personality fascinates them. Most guys find it easy to fall for a girl like you.
2. You don't really care about other people's feelings. You do things the way you want and usually think only about yourself. You are easy-going and love to have fun, but you can be irresponsible as well. You are not keen on serious discussions because they can make you remember that life isn't always about parties.
3. You are a bright, cheerful and bubbly person. You are thoughtful and considerate, and like to have fun. Everybody feels comfortable around you because of your pleasant nature. When you walk into a room, people's eyes are likely to be drawn to you because of your charm.
4. Guys see you as being a thinker and a careful person. They will be really attracted to this quality in you, but you need to learn to speak your mind, otherwise people will find you too shy and quiet. Learn to relax and lighten up--it's okay to have fun sometimes. When you learn to develop your fun-loving side, guys are going to flock to your side.
5. Your boyfriend thinks that you are a real doll but this is not a totally positive thing. Sometimes you can be a bit too sweet, and come across as being helpless. If you're like this too frequently, your boyfriend and other people are likely to get tired of you having to rely on them all the time.

Get to know yourself better
Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.
Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

What type of personality do you have?
Here is the analysis:
Bright and Cheerful
You are always cheerful and charming. You never get too serious with people when they're around, but when you are alone, you think carefully about what they have said. That's because you don't want anyone to see you being too somber. Your personality means you have a lot of friends and you are often the center of attention. Many people who fall into this category become artists and movie stars, perhaps fame could be yours in the future as well.

What does being a friend really mean to you?
You value your friendships: 55%
You love your friends very much - so much so that it's actually quite a worry. You may not be able to cope very well when you do lose somebody's friendship. You are a very sensitive and fragile person, and are therefore likely to get upset easily. You care for your friends and are willing to do anything that they ask you to do. Sometimes this can make your friends think that you are a bit of a nuisance. Nevertheless, people do really love you because your highest priority is your friends.

View SEX:
Cuddly and snuggly.
You love romance and being pampered by a partner.
Candle-lit dinners, red roses and soft,
moody music all set the perfect tone for you.
In bed you're very sensual and eager
to give your partner as much as they give you.
You love sex but it isn't a major priority in your relationships.
You're at your happiest being cradled in your partner's arms.

01 November 2007

I realised I think of him more when we're not together.
Now that we are together, I find it so weird.
I've nothing to share with him.
Seems like he has nothing much to say too.
Maybe its just me that's over sensitive.
Maybe absence makes the heart grew fonder.
Watever..

My 1st day to Inuovi tmr.
Thank God fr Ray's encouragements.
Yup..
And..
Nervous and excited.
I really need to sleep now.
Yawnzzz...
Nite nite...

31 October 2007

Serveral interesting news to share:

"Exorcism" Trial which will continue 31 Oct 07.
http://sg.news.yahoo.com/cna/20071025/tap-307798-231650b.html

And another big news I feel is..
I'm attached.
With Darius.
So sudd.
Its like dream to me.
Hope not.
Dreams are fake.

I feel its sudd bcos,
I nv tnk that he'll ever like me.
Maybe bcos he's nice to everyone.
So I wun think I'm any special.
Yup..

Since we've started,
I hope i'll treasure this r/s.
Putting God in the pic I guess will help.
Alot in fact.

Jia you bah.
Still a long way to go.
Alot to learn.
Hmm...

28 October 2007

Nothing much to update..
Just have to say i spent way way too much..
Enjoying life as if I've retired.
Outta budget le babe.
Time to stop all the blind shopping,
late night movies, mid night cabs and buffetsss..
They are the major killer to my little pocket.

This week is a good week.
I thank God for all things that have been so smooth.
Thank God for all the movies that I've watched.
For the wonderful company.
For the mid night shopping etc.
For the free ride.
I really need to save money for rainy days.
For weddings, for my future, for His kingdom.

MFP... Well, by faith lah.
Sure God will provide.
Heh..
By faith le lah.

Thank God for so many "free" treats this week too.
If not for them, guess i'll be broker. Heh..

Thank God for today's buffet @ Ikoi with
Darienna, Ling and Sam.
Table was book by Joanna tho,
too bad she cant make it.
Have a good time felloshipping with them.
Finding out what they like and nots.

Aww..
BTW
The food is GREAT!
Man... But why is my appetite so small..
I only ate like 3 rounds.
Not euff leh.
Hee..

Tmr I'm going Dempsey.
With ah Sam again..
And Amanda and Darius.
Another movie king.
And he runs by dunno why company's battery.
He really never say die.
I'm really curious how can anyone survive with just 2hrs of slp??
I cant.
And waking up early.
Double the cant.
Amazing...
I'm truly impressed.
Hurl hurl..

22 October 2007

Superbad is indeed bad.
Bad for the mind.
Soul and spirit.
I really went home to repent.
Laughing at those dirty jokes...
Ermm..like so bad...
But so funny...hee...

Frankly not recommeded for young crowd..
Pollutes the mind if you don't know how to filter some stuff.
Normally I do get inspirations from
movies but nah..not for this.

But I must admit its funny lah.
WaaaHaha..
Well, depends very much on the company too.
Both Darius and Zinc+Alex beside me laugh like so happily and loud.
Conclusion: Laughter is contagious afterall !

17 October 2007

Letting go.
Let your past get past you.

Mr. Woodcock reminds me of Doris Yap.
Nasty, heartless P6 teacher who loves to torture kids.
Her sarcastic voice still haunts me sometimes.

Joycelyn, my college lecturer. Pretty on the outside,
dark on the inside. Always pays "special" attention to me.
Failed me for no reason... literally NO Reason!

And Joyce, my ex-counter manager for Issey Miyake.
She's another biatch.. Opps! I mean another scary person
who really plays a big part to who I am today.

Characters in Common:
- sarcastic
- heartless
- stubborn
- selective
- anti-social
- bitter gourd faced
- hobby --> push people to their limits!

At the end of the day,
despite how much sufferings
I've went thru with these nasty ppl.
Hate to admit but they are ppl
who mould me to who I am today...
*damn...*

Like John Farley,
should I thank them?
Seriously..
I don't wished to.

I'm not the stupid blur sotong
naive and innocent girl anymore.
So time to let go babe...
In fact, they are the ones who taught me
to have a backbone and not to be
pushed around.

Maybe deep down in my heart,
I hated them for what they did.
But God allowed that for a reason.

It's planned.

God is indeed still in control.
Oh, thank you for using these nasty ppl,
motivating me to do the impossible.
Amen!

Can't believed I said this.
Yup...

*Hurl hurl...*

09 October 2007

When i browse thru my past entries..
It's 99% about him.
Wah kao..Bu hui bah..
Am i nutsss...

Starting from today,
I will not mention about him.
For as long as I can.
I'm determined to move on.

I need divine help from above tho. =)

Ok, great cell session earlier on.
I'm leading worship again.
Hee.. Errm..still din do well
coz i'm still afraid to lead bah..
Dunno why there's this fear.

I'm pretty touch by the songs that I lead today.
Chorus:
Your the Father of Creation
The risen Lamb of God
You're the One who walked away
From the empty tomb that day
And You set your people free
With love and liberty
And I can walk with You
Every night and every day

(Esp the highlighted part.)
I thank God for having everything planned.
Putting me in CET Modern Cults class.
Because of that,
that part when we always sing
of Jesus bodily resurrection
became very meaningful to me.
Yep, that's what the cults deny.
They deny of His Supreme Deity.

Fun ahh.
When God speaks,
and you heard.
That's fun.
Exciting!

I'm so glad I'm back to church again.
It's really not an easy step for me.
Keep reminding myself,
I'm here not to be judge by the people there.
They can think whatever they want.
I just wanna be with my God.
Blah blah..

But thank God for this wonderful CG that I'm in.
I used to dread going church and cell,
but I'm always looking forward nowadays.
It's not really about the people,
rather it's my attitude that was changed.
Not that I want to change or what,
but You've changed me.

And thank YOU!

Pssst:
Tml is 11th Friendship Day. 10/10/07
Thank God for my dear sisters!
With me always, thru thick and thin.

06 October 2007

I've this strange clashing emotions.
Sometimes, I don't even know who I am.
Wavering from left to right.

Prayed that He'll create more
opportunities for me if he is the one,
according to His will.

And he disappeared.

So he's not the one?

I don't know...

Sometimes I feel tired of waiting.
I feel like someone with no identity.
Someone in the dark.
I can't express too much.
Bcoz I don't know what I've said,
is it really from my heart.
Or my mind?

Follow your heart.
or
Follow your mind?

...

02 October 2007

Is it so difficult for him
to love me wholeheartedly?

He loves Jamie despite knowing
that she has another guy.
It's that kind of love.
That blind.
That deep.

Now what...
Another better ex
is now single?
Could have been
with her if she agrees?

So who am I?
A backup?
Damn...
I feel so lousy.
I'm just as precious
as you are in God's eyes.
Do I have to be treated like a trash...?

My lovelife has always been so difficult.
Hmm..

25 September 2007

Feeling alittle emo after watching
Project Make Over.

I rem typing "korean comedy" in crunchyroll search bar.
Why did I end up watching a love story?

I'll always rem that night when I was so heart broken.
Sitting in his car, crying non-stop.
He was talking and talking...
while sending me home after prata.

I din really catch what he said.
But i rem 2 things:

When a person say "I love you", they really mean it when they say it, despite the fact they aren't able to fulfill it.

Everybody likes something at a different stage of life. At a younger age, you'll like someone with good looks. Later on, you'll probably like someone with money and stability. And as you get older, you'll prefer someone who can spend time with you.

This movie was about a girl, given a chance to go back to her past.
She tried to change her life, but failed.
Still..
Falling in love with a guy with good looks and talents.
Missing out the guy who's faithful and intelligent.

While she's back to her past,
she realised..
how much the other guy has sacrifice for her,
how much patient he had,
how he perservered.
Doing all things he couldn't have done.

Reflecting:
- Did i missed out sucha person in my life?
- How much will i perservered for my loved ones?
- Will i sacrifice for them, knowing i wouldn't be appreciated?

Discovered:
My love language is..
1st - Acts of Service
2nd - Physical Touch
3rd - Quality Time
4th - Receiving Gifts
5th - Words of Affirmation

Try this link to find out yours: http://www.greaterquest.com/LoveLanguages.asp

23 September 2007

So tempted to love him all over again..
But I stop myself from doing that..

Good Job.

Back from Genting..
Back to Reality..

Seems like a happy trip..
BUT
Why don't I trust him anymore?

I just feel I'm pushing myself away
from him whenever I doubt him..
And wanting to escape to someone's arms
who knows how to appreciate me..

Should I give him a chance?
Or
Should I give both a chance?

Like the quote from Evan Almighty..
Now God really have provided me a chance
to trust, to love, to be truthful and honest..

Love drives out all fear.

So does that mean that I love him lesser now?
Coz I have fearsssssss man..

Korean:
Aissssh... Jin Zha!
Na Michigesso...!!
Pabo..
Oppa Pabo yo..
Kajima..
Na Saranghanude..
Kun de...
Yong won ni?

Sighh..
It ends with a question mark, boy...

Coz i dunno.........

19 September 2007

After he shared his love story..
I forgot I'm the victim of that story..
An unwanted 3rd party..
A spare tire..

I really empathize him..
And I understand why J. did that too..
It's easy to spot others mistakes..
And finding excuses..
Or someone to blame..

He saw what J. did was wrong..
He seems blind to his mistakes..
Although he knew he's wrong
but well.. he seems to brush it off with one word,
"wavered"

To me, one will only wavered when
love is weak.
Or not there.
Through this, we can really tell.

Seeing them.
I conclude with this.
Human are selfish.
So am I.

I too wanted the best of both world.
I wanted stability.
I wanted comfort.
I wanted to be treated like a princess too.

God, I need your divine intervention.
Send me a signal.
Send me a sign.

How should I apply what I've learnt to this situation?
WWJD?
I really dunno what will you do....

18 September 2007

Just one more day..
I'll be really be going Genting with him.
It's like a dream.
I mean a nightmare.
A 2 months nightmare.
It seems normal on the surface.
But is everything really normal?
What is he really thinking?
Did he miss J.?
Well, he should.
But of coz I don't like it.
The sudden change makes me losing sight.
Anyway, by faith not by sight.
Ahaha..lame...
Don't wanna think too much..
But if I don't think,
am i escaping or what?
Aiyo..
So many questions..
So little answers..
God...
Help!

10 September 2007

"Just one more for Jesus, just one more for Jesus.."
I cried when i read this section.
I will be held responsible for the non-believers in my community.
I will be held responsible for being an accomplice as well.
Knowing she's cheating and assist her to cheat or continue..?

No. I must stop my irresponsible actions. Now.

Asking someone to get a divorce is not the best choice either..
But still, I shouldn't "help" in the cheating anymore.
If it's a murder case, I'm an accomplice.
Who's just as guilty as the murderer.
I can't believe I'm so wrong.
Wrong from the start.

Please stop.

And stop feeling incomplete without a partner.
Christ's love has made me complete.
I just want to enjoy this singlehood period.
Where I'm free to go anywhere..
Free to serve..
Free to do what I like..
Free.

Darius was sharing about how selfish people can get.
Pondering still.. I'm thinking to myself, am I selfish too?
Very selfish? In what ways then?

I don't get insecure like some girls do.
I never check anyone's hp as if they're cheating on me.
I never force anyone to intro me to their friends.
I never force anyone to accompany me all the time.
I always think for them.
I always make sure they have freedom and space of their own.
Or did I give them too much space?
Why then did they leave?
Becoz they're selfish?
Becoz they wanted something fresh?

Well.. What can I learn from here?
Alot?
Like what?
Same thing happening so many times?
Same lessons.
I really need to get this.
Else I've to relearn the lesson again and again.
This is gonna be terrible man..

I'm going Genting.
I pray nothing happens.
I really mean nothing please.

31 August 2007

A card.
A farewell card??
The envelope says,
To: A girl I love deeply

Is that a joke?
Did he just reuse the envelope?
Wah seh, save the earth siah..
Reuse, Reduce and Recycle!

Actions and words don't tally.
I really thank God that He didn't say,
"I love you deeply."
and ask some mice to die on the cross..

Wanted to almost dare him
but nah.. What's the point?
He'll soon realise that he don't like me la.
But still I pray that he'll be fine.
Seriously hope he's not depressed.
I know how it feels like.
God send someone to help him bah.
I cant be of much help now.
Send Jamie?
Maybe he need her now.
Yup..

Genting trip how?
Still looking for someone.
Part of me hope he can come,
coz i know he'll be fun to be with.
But part of me don't wished to see him.
Arghh..

Makeup course how?
Choose which one?
Hmm...
Still thinking..
Should i?
Should i not..?

So what now?

Confuse..

25 August 2007

Mr R. really treats me like a spare tire.
Amazing how he can sound so right.
Acting like an angel.

I have lost trust in him.
No more.

I rather build trust with another.
No more time wasted.

Pls give me some time.
I don't mind slow, but must be steady.

I love all my sisters.
A sister in need is a sister indeed.
Their friendster's comments can sound childish.
But so sincere.
I really appreciate it.
Let us stay close always.

Evans Almighty
sneak preview:
Very touching.
Almost cried in so many parts.
Esp when God says, "
Alot of people thought
I've send the flood to destroy,
But I love everyone."

Yes, its a comedy with great truths.
I also love the part when God says,
"When someone ask for patience,
God don't simply give it to them,
But God give them the opportunity
to learn patience in that circumstances."

No wonder..
I've asked that I'll love all His people...
So many nasty people for me to learn to love..
Haha..

17 August 2007

Aiyo.. What is he trying to prove..?
He likes Jamie alot..?
Come on.. That I already knew.
Friendster pic need to put her as primary pic anot?
What else?
Need to call me in the middle of the night to ask me
"Oh coke with what sauce for the ribs ah?"
"What if I bbq it instead? Can?"

Kaozz..
No need to hint me he is going to her bday la.
I already knew he will go.
Despite that stupid Sam still say he won't.
Chey, should have bet with him to get some $$$. Haha..

Somemore what..
Still can ask about the Genting trip?
Still wanna join us for movie?
Still got cheek to ask me am I going out with D?
hurl hurl hurl..
Never see anyone's skin as thick as his ahh..!

Come on..
When Vian told me abt his Friendster pic
I still try to calm her down.
Little did I realise that I wasn't feeling anything..
Yes, and I find it childish.

*talking to him*
Hey, you wanna tell the whole world
you cant get over Jamie that's your biz..
Don't come and try to waste my time..
I really think I'm being very kind to at least treat you as a friend.
And very sincerely everytime.
Don't take it for granted.
My patience is really limited boy.

Nah..
No time for kiddy..
Yucksss..
Making me sicker and sicker..

Yup, btw Happy Birthday Jamie.
Haha..

*thinking evil*
Hmph..
Still ask me to go bbq..
Siao ahh..
I should have agreed and disturb him..
"Ohhh~ Couple phone ahh..?"
Haha..

Thank God, D told me Samsung not gd ahh..
Sony Erisson better.
Waiting for my K850i to launch
then buy with him.
Haha.. Abit bian tai..
ÜÜÜ

12 August 2007

It's all mixed up now..
Why am i as if in his situation..?
Now my turn to say i'm neither here nor there..
I see him as a fren..
I'm thinking of someone else..
Ahh well..

QC came to look for me @ my workplace unexpectedly..
No matter what, I've got my free treat..

HH kept asking me out for lunch..
And most unexpected is R shows up @ my wkplace!!
But so happened that I cant lunch with him..
D recently been asking me out for movies and dinner too..

All these happened suddenly..
when i decided to be single.

decided that i should enjoy my singlehood..
decided that i should get out of the "love race"..
decided that i should know more friends..
decided that i should repave my career..
decided that i should get a car licence..
decided that i should get a makeup diploma..
decided that i should have a brand new image..
a brand new phone..
a brand new specs..
a brand new start..

they appeared..

somehow..
i dun wished to get involved..
at this moment..

Well, wait and see what's next..

07 August 2007

My Dream HP.
Sumsung F300 .
Ultra Music White Edition.

Too bad..
Singapore only carry 2 shades..
Black and Scarlet Red..

Look at how sexy and slim she is..
Mmm.. Fantasizing now.. Hee..

Even her 3-quater side view seduces me.
*drooling...*

01 August 2007

Busy week.

Giant day.
Giant night.

Today interview.
Today off.

Actually planned ktv with sam and ray.
but no more.

It's ok.

Supper w dec.
Wonder what he's gonna say...
Sianzzz...

Zinc planned genting.
but who knows.
I'm fine with being frens.
but don't think he is.

Busy..
and aimless..

praying..
and still waiting..

too much to feel..
too much to deal..

sometimes i still miss..
sometimes i don't..
getting used to it..
hoping i won't get used to it..
but seems used to it..
without him.

I flare up today.
I threw everything.
I smash my fav blusher.
I'm angry.

Angry with who?
I dunno.
Maybe it's the outburst
with the stupid angmo.
Maybe it's with my marketing manager.
Maybe it's with my retail manager.
Maybe it's dec.
Maybe it's...
me.