Bottled Thots - i u h e u x

19 November 2008

I just called him a min ago.
He told me he's on his way home.
Next sentence is he'll call me as he has an incoming call.

Should I believe him?
I can't bring myself to believe him.
I don't rem he has call waiting service.
Did he just lied conveniently again?

18 November 2008

I very very shock at what happened last night.
Disheartened.
Disappointed.
Disturbed.

Sweety lied.
I know everyone does that.
But its the first time he did it so unprofessionally.
I've caught him several times without asking him.
Some say that's call "closing one eye".
Maybe.

I really hate guys to be irresponsible.
I dun mind that he parties till late night.
Just let me know instead of avoiding my calls.
Making me left with no choice but to keep calling to find out if he's fine.
That makes us what?
A nuisance of cos.
Seems like I'm pestering him.
checking on him etc.
Come on... Most girls just need some assurance.
We just need to know who you're with and we trust you.
But avoiding us make us DONT trust anymore.
Didn't you guys realised that???
We want to have good night sleep too.
Get it?

Last night, I went to his place.
After avoiding my calls and sms.
My heart literally feels painful.
My 6th sense tellin me something is wrong.
Very wrong.
What could it be?
I cant help but to keep imagining thing.
Is he trying to break up with me but scare that he'll hurt me?
Or he's now with his ex-gf where he realised that he have feelings for her?
Or is he worrying about his stressful work and his future?
Or is he indulging in some kind of bad habits ang he's gulty to face me?
Or having fun with some guys and totally just wanna forget abt me?
Or he's thinking that I'm a nuisance that he cant enjoy his night out?
101 possibilities...
I waited.
and wait.

For him to come back home.

No sign.

No hp signal either.

His hp is off.

I'm scared.

As I'm waiting, I could feel my heart pounding hard...
Hands turning cold...
I finally managed to got into that stupid security metal gate while a malay is going out.
I almost wanted to press the doorbell when he msg me.

"baby.. I'm home.. I'm not angry with you.. really.. i just need some time to straighten out my thought.. its me.. not u.. sorry....."

I replied, pls open the door. I'm outside.

And his reply nearly made me faint.

"i'm not home."

Gotcha!

I already knew it. I'm just too upset to think further.
I'm very tired physically and mentally too.
I prayed.
I can only pray that things end nicely.
In a way that my hurts are reduced.

That sentence" its me... not you..."

That sentence is deadly.
It contains alot of poisonous meanings.
I heard it before.
Many times.
All before any breakups that I have.
Well, i'm trying to take it easy.
What could be worst?
Celebrate X'mas alone?
Haha...
Ya, laugh while i still am able to.

Now that he's not around, I should make plans for myself as well.
Plans that God has for me.
I knew I've a calling.
How can that be ignored.
If it's a breakup. I really don't wanna see him ever again.
And I'll forget him like how i've forgotten abt the rest.
I can do it.
And I will do it again.
I'm sort of waiting for that hurting moment.
The moment of torment.
You see it coming... you thot you could handle it...
When the day arrived, Its still gonna be a damn torturous feeling.
Its like emotional jigsaw playing with you.

What is love?

He sms to say he love me. He does.

I trust that he does.

Soon, it'll be he did.
History.
Am I being negative now?
Yup, maybe.
This is a way to prepare myself you see.
Preparing my heart for that moment.
When his look towards me is blank.
His touch is meaningless.

I knew I've alot of friend.
True friends who really cares for me.
And God cares most.
I'll not do anything foolish again.
I'll not even shed a tear for someone who's not worth it.

Yes, Jiayou!

Sweety, I hope you get out of your dark valley soon.
I'll keep praying for you.
Probably someone who can better take care of you appears.
Anyway, I've learnt that Love is not about posessing it.
I've been trained to let go of what that's not mine.
Just leave me alone and I'll be fine.

Bye...

17 November 2008

Time really flies.
It's Nov again.
In another mth's time, it'll be X'mas.
My fav day.

Talkin abt favourites,
does he know what's my favourites in life?
Sadly, I think he doesn't.

He's tellin me abt chenling again.
She loves tiramisu.
Like I do.
But the diff is she gets to eat tiramisu
from all over S'pore without fuss.
While me?
I learn to make it.
Becos?
Nobody bought me one.
Ha..
Sighh...

She's so lucky.
I can feel that she has his entire heart.
Deserving a ring on her finger.
Prob deserves to be forever.

Me?
Luck to meet again?
But I never believe in luck.
Meant to be?
What?
Be together again?
Or separate the same way again?

I'll never replace her.
I never thought I'll be so jealous over her.
Hearing this name makes me heart stop beating.
This numb feeling wakes me up from my dream.
I'm not her.
I can never be.

Sighhh...

I'm still dwelling in my past.
In our past.
Where life is so simple.
Where he only have me.
Talks to me abt everything.
Bring me to anywhere.
Buy me my favourites.
Even a glance at a window's watch
could become my next gift.
Is that how we measure love?

I dunno.

That's how I do it.

Measuring it with the amount of effort
he puts into the relationship.
Measuring the quality time spent
not just talking but listening to me.
Measuring it by what I see in his eyes.

It's really very diff now.

He has changed.
I have changed.
Things have changed.

Kallang river has never been this quiet.
This distant.
Though with him by my side.
Hearts pounding in the background.
Cold hands after the short drive.
Looking far towards the buildings.
Towards those lights.
I can feel one thing.
Distance.

Near distance.

Its getting nearer and nearer to us.
I meant that distance has caught us.
Its just round the corner.

Coming ...

coming..