Bottled Thots - i u h e u x

12 June 2007

Curiosity kills the cat. True. I read her blog, her testimonials left by him, her pictures with him. Thought I could deal with it. But browsing through them for less than 30mins, my heart already twinge. Being an expressive person myself, I always wanted to question him alot but whenever I'm with him, I just don't know how to. Even when he called and sense my insercurities, still I kept it from him after much promting. Why can't I express my thoughts freely with him?

Maybe I didn't want him to know that I feel inferior? Maybe. Thank God for his affirmation today. I feel much better. Now wondering when will he ask me that question. That important question. I wanted to be assured of a place in his heart. So its very important to me. But at the same time, I didn't want to hint him, making him feel as if I'm pushing him nor do I want him to take too long either. Contradicting.

I believe there's alot of reasons behind for him not to ask me that question. I feel he is not ready as he has not finish dealing with his heart. His friends. His churchmates and leaders. Somehow, my intuition tells me that the wedding is a barrier too. How do I know? It's so obvious, he dare not intro me to his friends. That's how I know. But holding my hands is a way of telling me that "Hey, I've chose you to be my girl, don't worry..."Does he know that...? I'm so confused because it's Contradicting.

Maybe I should believe that he is trying to be as responsible as possible with such a major decision. I will start with trusting the person whom I can, no, i mean should trust most. That's God. Then next, myself. With that, I believe I can trust him better. Hopefully. In fact, to think about it, he has not failed me yet. So why can't I bring myself to trust him? Is it the past? What is past is past. Ok, today is a gift. We all know that. Well, I should keep that in mind that he is my present. Hmm..

This place will sooth all my heartaches.
For the moment.
Korea's nice.
;...(

Labels: My Emotions