Bottled Thots - i u h e u x

21 July 2008

Sometimes I dunno who I really am...
Browsing my last few entries,
I've been truly loving each person wholeheartedly.
Is that possible?

A month ago, I still love Sam so damn much.
Today, I've forgotten how he looks like...
I mean why?
Where did that deep love went to?
How did I manage to forget a person so fast?
Is it wrong to do that?

Sighhh...

I've been having nightmares after nightmares about Zinc.
When I see her photo in my room,
My heart just ache.
I cant believed that she said those words.
"I don't want to have anything to do with you."
10 years sisters...
What have I done that made you detest me to the core???
I've been seeking your forgiveness...
Why am I not given a chance to even explain myself??
Why must you hate me to the extreme???
You've done things that hurt us so much before..
But we've forgiven you.
Even when you didn't admit your mistakes.
Shit...What the hell..
Sometimes I dunno who I really am...
I hate to be "weak" like this.
I hate this longing to be loved by friends and boyfriend.
Somehow I feel incomplete/ handicapped without them.
I know I'll not be.
I'm not.
But just sometimes, I wanna be the evil one.
Be a hypocrite.
Be someone people admire...
Ha...Bird says nice guy always finishes last.
Damn.
I really hate to agree with him.

Talking about him,
I'm just as stress.
I knew its gonne be a bloody loong road for both of us.
I really have no confidence at all.

"Do not yoke with non-believer. What has both in common?"

This is the truth.

I believe.
But I dunno how to act upon it.
There's really so much connection between us and yet at the same time, so much differences.

I really hate smokers, gamblers, vulgarities...

I seriously dunno how long I can compromise.
Each day seems to be a dread and yet a happy beginning.
It's damn contradicting what I feel right now.
I guess I like most of his character more than his bad points that's why I'm willing to compromise each day.
I do see his good.
His gentleness, sensitivity towards my feelings. a twitch or a nudge , he knows how I'm feeling.
We can communicate.
We have a lot of similarities I must say.
Things like, how we feel towards certain things, esp relationship, most of the time I agree with how he feels. We can simplay relate well.
Sighhh...
How long will this last...?

I'm quite sick of being in a relationship actually.
I'm basically trying to satisfy him, and alowing him to satisfy me and it's like quite a tiring thing to do.
No wonder people "zhao sai".
Curse these people.
Bloody irresponsible.

Sighhh...

I feel tired lah.

I feel Godless...

I feel I need to go back to the correct path.

I feel that I've a calling to serve as a leader.

I feel I shouldn't give up this calling.

I gave up my dearest bird when I want to go for this calling.
Should I give him up again is my question everyday since I met him...!!!
God why him??
Can't we be together??
Arggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!