Bottled Thots - i u h e u x

18 November 2008

I very very shock at what happened last night.
Disheartened.
Disappointed.
Disturbed.

Sweety lied.
I know everyone does that.
But its the first time he did it so unprofessionally.
I've caught him several times without asking him.
Some say that's call "closing one eye".
Maybe.

I really hate guys to be irresponsible.
I dun mind that he parties till late night.
Just let me know instead of avoiding my calls.
Making me left with no choice but to keep calling to find out if he's fine.
That makes us what?
A nuisance of cos.
Seems like I'm pestering him.
checking on him etc.
Come on... Most girls just need some assurance.
We just need to know who you're with and we trust you.
But avoiding us make us DONT trust anymore.
Didn't you guys realised that???
We want to have good night sleep too.
Get it?

Last night, I went to his place.
After avoiding my calls and sms.
My heart literally feels painful.
My 6th sense tellin me something is wrong.
Very wrong.
What could it be?
I cant help but to keep imagining thing.
Is he trying to break up with me but scare that he'll hurt me?
Or he's now with his ex-gf where he realised that he have feelings for her?
Or is he worrying about his stressful work and his future?
Or is he indulging in some kind of bad habits ang he's gulty to face me?
Or having fun with some guys and totally just wanna forget abt me?
Or he's thinking that I'm a nuisance that he cant enjoy his night out?
101 possibilities...
I waited.
and wait.

For him to come back home.

No sign.

No hp signal either.

His hp is off.

I'm scared.

As I'm waiting, I could feel my heart pounding hard...
Hands turning cold...
I finally managed to got into that stupid security metal gate while a malay is going out.
I almost wanted to press the doorbell when he msg me.

"baby.. I'm home.. I'm not angry with you.. really.. i just need some time to straighten out my thought.. its me.. not u.. sorry....."

I replied, pls open the door. I'm outside.

And his reply nearly made me faint.

"i'm not home."

Gotcha!

I already knew it. I'm just too upset to think further.
I'm very tired physically and mentally too.
I prayed.
I can only pray that things end nicely.
In a way that my hurts are reduced.

That sentence" its me... not you..."

That sentence is deadly.
It contains alot of poisonous meanings.
I heard it before.
Many times.
All before any breakups that I have.
Well, i'm trying to take it easy.
What could be worst?
Celebrate X'mas alone?
Haha...
Ya, laugh while i still am able to.

Now that he's not around, I should make plans for myself as well.
Plans that God has for me.
I knew I've a calling.
How can that be ignored.
If it's a breakup. I really don't wanna see him ever again.
And I'll forget him like how i've forgotten abt the rest.
I can do it.
And I will do it again.
I'm sort of waiting for that hurting moment.
The moment of torment.
You see it coming... you thot you could handle it...
When the day arrived, Its still gonna be a damn torturous feeling.
Its like emotional jigsaw playing with you.

What is love?

He sms to say he love me. He does.

I trust that he does.

Soon, it'll be he did.
History.
Am I being negative now?
Yup, maybe.
This is a way to prepare myself you see.
Preparing my heart for that moment.
When his look towards me is blank.
His touch is meaningless.

I knew I've alot of friend.
True friends who really cares for me.
And God cares most.
I'll not do anything foolish again.
I'll not even shed a tear for someone who's not worth it.

Yes, Jiayou!

Sweety, I hope you get out of your dark valley soon.
I'll keep praying for you.
Probably someone who can better take care of you appears.
Anyway, I've learnt that Love is not about posessing it.
I've been trained to let go of what that's not mine.
Just leave me alone and I'll be fine.

Bye...